Dating Advice For The Ladies of L.A.

Horoscopes? You won’t be needing them.

Match-dot-com profiles? Don’t bother reading 'em

Everything you have to know, by far

You’ll find out by watching him drive his car

Does he cut people off? Does he drive too fast?

Would he rather die than arrive somewhere last?

When moving over, does he use his blinker?

Or is he, instead, a lane-weaving stinker?

Does he reply to texts at a four-way stop?

Is he hands-free only if he sees a cop?

Does he use the parking lane to pass?

Does he tailgate old ladies like a horse’s ass?

Does he treat La Brea like a lane at the races?

And when he parks: does he take up two spaces?

When he sees a pedestrian, does he grant right-of-way

Or step on the gas, churning up gravel spray?

You want to find out who’s the real hottie?

Don’t meet up for a Starbucks latté

Better to propose an afternoon drive

And if you’re lucky enough to come back alive—

You’ll see many of your concerns don’t matter

Be he tall or short, well-built or fatter

You won’t fail if you base your intuition

On what happens when his key’s in the ignition

Even if it feels like you’ve looked the world over

For a guy who can afford lease payments on a Range Rover

I’ll tell you what’s important, from where I sit:

It’s not what he drives, but how he drives it.