An Open Letter to the Other Customer in the Subaru Service Courtesy Lounge

Hey, gentleman a few seats over, or shall I say, dude

You may not realize it, but cell phone use here is rude

It’s bad enough that the TV is tuned to “The View”

On top of that, now I’ve got to listen to you

While waiting for a mechanic to replace my oil

It’s amazing how quickly my good mood can spoil

The day is young, that clock over there says it’s not even nine

And I’m ready to shove your Android where the sun doesn’t shine

The coffee may be complimentary, but I certainly am not

If it were legal, I’d kill you right here on the spot

The pastries are stale, and the donuts look greasy

And you’re an argument for the decline of the human species

I’d rather not hear you recite your shopping list

In fact, I’d prefer that you didn’t exist

And when you gossip about some chick from your work

You, sir, sound like both a dick and a jerk

I have an easy solution for you phone-talking bums

Have you considered exercising the use of your thumbs?

There’s a simple way to prevent others from becoming so vexed

All you have to do is stop talking, and start sending texts.