Cum, To Think Of It

I was getting up to clear the dishes from dinner

When my eleven-year-old son came up with this winner:

“Mom—I have a question. Is ‘cum’ a bad word?

I hoped to God that I had somehow misheard

But then, helpfully, he offered to spell it

“It’s C-U-M,” he said, and I thought: “I’m in Hell. Shit.”

Uh, where did you hear that?” I said to him, stalling

While considering my options, each one more appalling

“At school,” he replied. “Some kids at my lunch table.”

And then I decided: better to give facts than fable

Because let’s face it, who’s got more honesty and poise—

Me? Or a table full of 6^th grade boys?

“Remind me, honey—how far did you get in Sex Ed?”

I wasn’t going to over-share, I knew, with rising dread

Here is where I’ll mention my husband’s role in this chapter:

His shoulders were shaking, his eyes wet from laughter

“Thanks SO MUCH for your help!” I hissed to my spouse

In response, he guffawed into a napkin—the louse

“Sex ED?” said my kid. “Come on Mom, just say!”

I took a deep breath. And I said, “Okay.”

“You know how eggs come from the woman, and sperm comes from the man?”

(I’m no good at improv, but lacked a much better plan)

“Ew, Mom!” he said. I added, “Sperm comes out in semen.”

I glanced across the table. My husband just sat there, beamin’

“MOM!” interjected the boy. I coughed, and then spoke:

“The slang term for semen is ‘cum.’” My son said, “Is that a joke?”

“No,” I told him. “It’s true. But it’s not a nice word.”

He shouted, “That’s the grossest thing I’ve ever heard!”

“I highly doubt THAT,” I said, grabbing napkins and forks

I felt nostalgic for the lore of babies from storks

In modern Hollywood, that horse left the barn long ago

I once explained a safe-sex billboard to preschoolers, you know

You’d think by now I’d have finished learning

Teen boys’ favorite topics will get my cheeks burning

And by “cheeks,” I refer to the ones on my face

Stop thinking like a 6^th grader—it’s a disgrace!